Difficult Conversations Are Worth It

Take a moment to consider this: What is one statement from a spouse, boss, or friend that immediately makes you tense? I can give you one that almost always brings me discomfort. “We need to talk.” Even when things are going well and I can’t think of an issue that needs addressed with that person, the statement itself can easily manifest anxiety. Why is that?

The short answer. It signifies that there is something that needs your attention as soon as possible. The implied importance and urgency of that statement can create a strong emotional reaction even if the conversation ends up being positive and productive. However, based on past experiences we all know that it can also imply that you are headed into a difficult conversation and therein lies the root of the problem. We don’t like to be uncomfortable. We don’t like to hurt. Physically or emotionally. We don’t like hard.

So, is there a benefit to powering through those difficult conversations? What if we looked at a difficult conversation through a different lens? Could they actually be helpful to our relationships, our productivity, or could they even move us closer to a more joyful, peace-filled life?

The truth is difficult conversations, disagreements, or conflict in general can be beneficial for us if we approach it from the right perspective.

We fear difficult conversations because they are uncomfortable and have the potential to hurt our feelings or someone else’s. We can probably all point to a past conversation that didn’t end well. Maybe it fractured a relationship or ended a job. But that doesn’t have to be the end result. In fact, we can learn to see the potential for good at the end of a difficult conversation if we consider the following:

The problem never goes away, no matter how long you ignore it. Suppose you have an infected wound on your arm. You can cover it up with a huge band-aid or hide it under clothing, but will that make it go away? No, you will still have a giant wound on your arm. It isn’t going to heal until you deal with it appropriately. Having a difficult conversation is similar. It may make you sweat. It may make you nauseous. It may be easy to think that avoiding it will just make it go away, but that’s not the case. Problems don’t disappear when we refuse to look at them. They disappear when we work through them. And there is no way to avoid difficult conversations in life because we’re human. We like different things. We use different methods. We have different preferences. And eventually you are going to meet up with someone who’s methods and preferences are different from yours.

Simply conforming to someone else’s way of doing things to avoid conflict isn’t an acceptable solution either. There is only one you. You come with unique gifts and abilities and the world needs a “you.” Sharing your gifts to help others become better, stronger, or more capable and accepting that they have gifts to help you become better, stronger, and more capable is beneficial to everyone. However, sometimes that sharing comes only through difficult conversations.

You get to understand the other person’s point of view. While it’s natural to believe that your way is the right way or best way, difficult conversations give us the opportunity to see a point of view different from our own. Have you ever known without a doubt that you had the answer only to realize you were missing a key piece of information that changed your entire perspective? Of course. We all have. Growth comes with a willingness to be open to viewpoints different from your own.

When you approach the conversation with the right attitude, you can listen to and validate the person you talk to. You come out of the encounter knowing more than you did when you went in. It helps you expand your worldview. It can help you make improvements you didn’t know were possible.

You get better at having hard conversations. I can’t say that the conversations get easier, but you do get better at handling them over time. Particularly if you can apply a few principles from Ephesians 4:22-24 to your conversation.

1.    Be honest. Speak the truth, avoiding the temptation to make the other person sound a little worse or yourself a little better. And speak the truth with respect and kindness towards the other person.

2.    Stick to the topic. Avoid bringing in other issues or frustrations to the conversation. Focus on the issue at hand.

3.    Resist the urge to attack the person or their character. We all have weaknesses, but those weaknesses don’t necessarily define who we are. You can address a situation with someone without attacking the person.

4.    Focus on a resolution rather than on negative feelings generated by the differences.

Difficult conversations are unavoidable; however, you can get better at having them with practice. Be intentional with the way you approach hard conversations. Use the four principles above to diffuse tense situations. As with any training situation, you will see your skills grow over time. Your communication skills will improve. Your empathy skills will improve. Your conflict resolution skills will improve. We talk about reflecting on yesterday’s mistakes to grow your character and create more meaning in your days in our post 5 Questions for a More Meaningful Day. If you haven’t read it yet, check it out. You may even find that the dread you feel over having a difficult conversation begins to go away.

They can improve the quality of our relationships. No two people are going to want the same things all the time, prefer the same things all the time, prioritize the same things all the time. And that’s ok. We are made better and sharper when we are open to growing and learning. Difficult conversations can be a wonderful learning opportunity. They build stronger bonds of trust and acceptance. They encourage teamwork and humility. They allow differences to be addressed. They prevent resentment and bitterness from taking hold and allow both individuals to be heard.

Once you choose to focus on the benefits of difficult conversations, you’ll wonder what you were so afraid of. Commit to using the principles above. Be ok with not always getting your way. Choose to believe the best of the other person. What if a difficult conversation allowed you to help someone grow? What if you came out of the conversation smarter, more equipped, or more confident? Communicating honestly with one another, even if it’s difficult, makes hard conversations worth it. In the end, the result will be worth the effort.